All my life I had a hard time making decisions
for myself, it's like I always need someone's approval or better yet if there's someone
who could decide for my sake instead. I can't help it! It's much easier that way T^T
I've grown dependent to my mom,
like what the saying goes “Mothers knows best…” so I rely on her most of the
time to the point that I can no longer get out of her shadow. I tend to go with
the flow enduring the results I know deep inside I’m
against with. As a young adult it’s a shame that for two decades of my
existence I still can’t rationalize and make wise decisions, newsflash! Just
when I thought I was able to make my own path it turns out my choice was not
the best for me. I was driven by desperation and frustration which made me grabbed
whatever is available just to ease my anxiety [unaware that it will only lasts
for a short period of time]. I sucked big time! I learned that you’re the one
who creates your destiny by choosing which path to take, no SIGN can help you
decide especially if you mistook some unusual circumstances as God’s way of
saying “Go for it, this is your GO signal.”
I realized things would be much easier to handle
and carry out if and only if you know what your heart truly desires.
Unfortunately I don’t have that in me, my own heart won’t even speak to me the
heck! All I know is that it aches just in time when things turns out the other way around then realization hits me, “What a huge mistake!” Last thing I know regret comes flooding in and drowns me until I can’t
breathe [I’m not happy anymore]
What if I waited a little longer? what if I did not accept this job? what if I had gone through exam and interview invitations? Tons of what ifs, but I can't take back what has been done and I only have one chance which I already wasted. What's left to me now is make the most of what I have and don't let all my parent's sacrifices go to waste. I'll face the consequences of my actions, probably the most mature thing I can do for NOW.
Even though opportunities flew away from my grasps I'll make this experience a lesson learned. After all we learn from our own mistakes, right? :)
Before I end this entry I'll leave something hoping someone out there who's in the same situation as I did can read this and somehow can be of help to him/her...
"Never settle for less, don't JUST grab/commit yourself to something out of desperation/frustration. I'm telling you when long-awaited opportunity knocks, it'll be all worth it :) so keep waiting and be patient."
